Let Go

I dont know how well I am cut out for this blogging deal. I forget about it and when things actually happen that are of real importance to me- or should be of real importance to me- I don't know how to wright them down without putting it all out there in the wrong way. But maybe the only wrong way is editing out the truth so that its not seen for what it really is.

Last Night. 

The three girls.

The eleven of them.

The one of me.

Wasted was the word of the night. Stumbling around. Anything goes and everything was thrown out the window. 

And me on my corner of the couch watching the scenery and everything in it happen. And watching the face of a boy who stayed with me all night, just to be with me. 

And then everyone watching us. Everyone yelling about kissing the boy who was my companion last night. But he did not yell, he only watched me to see what I would do. While the empty threats of the wasted friends fell down on me I knew I would not kiss the boy. I told them so. 

Wasted enough to forget what they were doing with me, they all left. Except the boy who stayed and asked me to go on a date with him sometime. 

One of the eleven people that I did not know very well came to me while I was still sitting next to the boy. He was equally as wasted as the rest but he said to me. "You are such a cool girl. Everyone was yelling at you and you still wouldn't kiss him. That is so cool." 

I spent the early night sitting on a couch with a boy who wanted to kiss me but knew he couldn't. I spent the early night watching the two of the three girls get wasted. I watched the one that wasn't wasted bring the attention on me too many times trying to force me out of what I wanted. 

I spent the later night sitting on a couch with a boy who wanted to kiss me but also wanted to talk to me about everything. I spent the later night wanting to be around him and let him get to know me. 

And everything was a mess.

And everything was perfect.

And everything was just what it needed to be in that moment with those people, whoever they were and whoever they are today.

The night started with a hot pink birthday cake, and ended with a toasted peanut butter and jelly sandwich. 

Being Subject to Change

The point in the relationship between two people that usually makes or breaks into the "what could be's" is the question "What do you want?"
In my case the "What do you want" question is not a question I could have ever told to any of the boys I had dated in the past. Because the answer, though it is many things when coming to the person I want, -was something I wasn't ready to admit to myself- and ultimately would have ultimately ended in "What I want, is not you."
This post is sort of brought on by a comment I received on my last post that said that women do not know what they want. And in a way, that person was right. Women can be completely indecisive especially when it comes to small things. But when it comes to men, women know exactly what they want. Chances are they've known for a long time and have made lists, and watched way too many chick flicks about the super human man who does it all. In theory it sounds okay. But is it healthy at all to have these completely unreal expectations for these men or boys? But then also, is it completely unreal to want to be treated like a girl in a chick flick? To worry that since the loneliness is a little too much at times, that settling would be worth it and keeping your own version of "What do you want?" to yourself, because this man is not it, but he sort of is and thats good enough?

In one of my favorite movies "He's Just Not That Into You" (Which is also a book, and if you have not read, you need to.) Gigi, the very normal scattered and silly and very lonely girl, has just made a move on her "Man Mentor" and he yells at her for expecting too much and thinking that he wanted to be with her and she just says to him, " I would rather be like that, than be like you... I may dissect each little thing and put myself out there too much but at least that means I still care. Oh! You've think you won because women are expendable to you. You may not get hurt or make an ass of yourself that way but you don't fall in love that way either. You have not won. You're alone. I may do a lot of stupid shit but I'm still a lot closer to love than you are."

The other day a dear friend said to me "since we've moved here it seems like its a need instead of an option to be in a relationship." and she was right. Maybe it's the loneliness of settling into a new place with so many different people and realizing that sometimes your friends cant be the type of there for you that a man or woman could be. In a small town like the one I live in, if you are in a relationship it's almost like you are royalty, that may be because the ratio here is 5 girls to every boy. But does that mean more women here in order to feel like they are in the royal "upper class" settle for less than what they know they want? Has it become an unwritten trend to settle for "less than" to be royal? And has the other option become more well known, and the people who willingly choose to be single rather than settle for less, become untouchable? Where is the finish line?

The Rules

Once upon a time I took a long drive to home from my little college town. I came home and everything was fabulous, a new hair do (still bun-able, believe me.) a boy asking me questions, and reuniting with an old friend. It was to be a lovely day. And then came the moment when the boy asked me to come along with his plans that night and I agreed, and that's how I formed The Rules.

The Rules of Choosing Who To Date

1. Do not date if: They cannot spell, the man in your life should be able to spell, it's not a full deal breaker if they use a "u" instead of spelling out "you" but if it gets to a point where "busy" has become "bizy" run. Just run away.

2. Do not date if: They live with their parents. Now this can be argued and for the most part has a little bit of leeway if they have just returned from a mission or long expedition and are between houses and need a place to bunk. But if the man is still living with his parents and expecting his eggs scrambled every morning, then that relationship should be over easy.

3. Do not date if: The pictures they are "liking" on Instagram, Facebook, and other social media networks are pictures that you would not feel comfortable sharing with your mom, or your roommate, or your cat. or anyone really. You're probably sad you saw what they were liking for yourself anyway. If the pictures are inappropriate, so is the guy.

4. Do not date if: He has just ended a relationship. Sure it seems like the perfect time, the guy is vulnerable, and sad and you just want to give him a hug. I don't care how nice this guy is to you, he's still thinking about his ex and his breakup and he really won't be over it for at least a couple weeks. Give it space, give him time, and absolutely remain classy about the whole situation, there is no need to trash talk an ex that you've never met, or that was never your own.

5. Do not date if: He doesn't know what he wants out of life. Now I know this one is hard, but hey, if a guy can't decide what he wants to be when he grows up, how is he going to decide if he wants you to be there when he grows up? An indecisive man leads to frustration, confusion, and questioning of your own judgement. You know what you want, so why shouldn't he?

6. Do not date if: He is still acting like a boy. Chivalry is not dead, saying chivalry is dead is an excuse boys made up and girls use constantly to feel better about not having the door opened or not getting flowers on Valentines Day. A Man will be the one treating you like you deserve only the best, because he knows you do. And a boy will be the one watching and making excuses for his lack of effort and love toward nurturing the relationship between the two of you.

The Rules are subject to my changing them at any time, maybe soon i'll put out a "Do date if" rules list. But so far, through my limited college and growing up and moving out and living on experience, this is what i've collected and I don't think thats too shabby.

And It's Cold Outside

I was talking to my friend the other day when she said, "I love the grey sky... I don't feel pressured to be anything when there is grey sky. I can just be who I am, whereas when its sunny out, I have to be happy all the time." I didn't respond, because she has smoked way too much pot, and I was tired, and the drive was long. By the time we got to the end I wasn't upset saying goodbye to her like I had been in the past. I went home and moved on and grew up a little. And then you started being in the back of my mind and I didn't like it, you would show up and small movies would play in my head of the way things could be, but not for long, I would put them away in the trunk in the back of my mind and try to forget you. But there's something about holding on that gets stuck in the mind and breaks down the barriers and fights what you thought you knew or should be knowing about love and life and everything in between. And it's lonely and it's sad but somehow through it all it's still hopeful and I want to yell at myself and say that it's not okay and that it needs to stop but- all the sentences end in "but-" when it comes to you. And something about letting that go seems more lonely and sad than anything else I could think about you.

Counting Ideas

So this is the beginning of the blog, but not the bun. The bun began on a trip to England last summer, and moved from the front of my head to the top. It's a lot of who I am in a hairstyle: bold, a little messy, and sassy.

 This is the beginning of figuring out men, and not the boys. This began through deciding that loving myself was the root to loving anything else, and learning that love should be given only on those most deserving.

 This is the beginning of blogging for me. I Started and failed in the past but this time, -I don't know why, maybe I owe it to October and the falling leaves and all that sappy autumn jazz- I'd like to stick around and write things down.

 And so the blog begins.